The 'what ifs.....'

I am a shocker for certain dates - I seem to hang on to them and when they come around let things overwhelm me. I seem to have 'anniversaries' for all kind of things and here we are at the start of a week where another one will come around. This week sees the 'anniversary' of the due date of Abigail. She would have been 4 if she had survived...... this is the time when all the 'what ifs...' come in and my imagination seems to do hours of unpaid overtime! I have been talking to the Lord much recently on handling the 'what ifs' and on a recent visit to a zoo with some family I sat looking at all the kids at the elephant display and was shocked to see how many of them where 4 or under. My husband and I looked around and felt quite overwhelmed seeing these lives that have been birthed since we lost our precious baby. At moments like that the 'what ifs' give you a lump in your throat and you almost feel like lying on the floor and bawling your eyes out, other times the 'what ifs' almost conger up anger, at other times the 'what ifs' just leave a raw kind of numbness - perhaps you know what I mean.

The question comes "What do I do with the 'what ifs?'" Well I don't have all the answers but I can tell you how I am going to try and handle this week and the heart ache that goes with a two person household when you know it should at least be a three! The gap is not filled at all and I do not make light of that ever real person that is missing from this home and from our lives, but I do realise that in recent days I have been longing more and more for the presence of God. I need Him so very much. I could not face all the emotions that this week brings without Him, I could not manage the grief without His arms around me. I don't want to come across as being dismissive - God has already challenged me on trying to bury how I feel and to mask it over with a false-ness, simply dismissing how I really felt. I do cry! Sometimes it doesn't take a lot for tears to fall but even this morning as I hunger for His presence more and more - I come to God with that desperation for His presence hand in hand with my grief.

There used to be an old song that we would sing often as kids called 'Jesus take me as I am' - it goes on to say 'I can come no other way.' So this week as I embark on another milestone in the pain of miscarriage I come to Jesus as I am, 'pain and all' and say 'I long for that closer walk with my Lord and yes to know His compassionate touch on this aching heart, but without Him, without His felt presence it would be hard to go on..........'