Monday, 22 September 2008

Disappointment, stress and daily living!

Over the last couple of weeks I have felt really overwhelmed - in so many different ways. A few weeks ago I was in one of those 'limbo' times when everything seems to be pointing to a 'might be.' It is the sort of time when there are many signs that perhaps, just perhaps you might be pregnant - several signs that this is the case but the wondering should I take a test or should I just wait and see a few more days. I hate limbo times like this - thankfully I don't experience them all that often may be once a year or so. My husband and I sat on our bed talking through some of the signs and wondering dare I, just dare I, even allow myself a slither of hope. As I told him this almost fear of daring to hope a tear escaped from my eye. I decided that I wasn't going to let this month crush me or this limbo to affect my emotions but for that moment nothing would stop the tears from running down my cheeks. I buried my head in a handkerchief, took a deep breath and resolved that this would be the end of the conversation and the end of these tears. I gulped and changed the subject. Conversation over. Date set in our minds to take the test if nothing happened and so I would just carry on. In the midst of this inner emotional battle came a really stressful time at work - I felt like I was juggling 3 million ping pong balls - people, e-mails, phonecalls, meetings, appointments, dealing with booking various things for various people, passing ships with my husband, builders in the house at home, maintaining a look of 'I am alright thank you.' For a week and a half I battled trying to manage all by myself and then a friend said to me 'it will help if you talk about it.'

The constant being on the edge of tears for nearly two weeks -the first week a constant battle with hope and with possible disappointment and the second week of crushing disappointment had driven me to a point of feeling crazy! Then as I came to this point of just breaking point my husband sat me down and told me that I had to rest, to just be still, to actually give myself a chance. I had spent more time keeping myself busy so that I would not have to think and therefore not have to hurt and therefore not have to cry - the end result I was stressed, I was battling to keep going and the more and more I kept trying the more disheartened I was getting.

The unseen story of infertility is that battle with hope as you check dates as you monitor temperature as you perceive physical changes, the unseen story of infertility is that lone hour, that moment when everything seems void and hollow, when to even think about the future without a child drives a stake of dread through your core. The unseen experience of so many couples is the unanswerable question of 'why' or 'how long' or 'when' - the unseen moments when you have to tell your husband that any hope that was there for this month has evaporated and so should his. The unseen story of infertility is the getting up and leaving the house for work with the mask of all is well. The unseen story of infertility is when the people closest to you, that you love in the Lord cannot help, can't even be told what you are going through - there are no words for 'limbo time' there are no words for that time of the month when disappointment knocks on your door and invites himself in with no invitation.

But the unseen story is seen by a loving Heavenly Father and even that doesn't equate! Scripture says that He knows how to give good gifts to His children. Scripture says if we ask and agree then He will do it. If God loves me this much then why does He withhold in such a manner? My questions are without an answer because one day I will ask Him face to face but in all my pain, in all my questions, in all my hurt I have to say that knowing Jesus is the only solid thing. The same yesterday, today and forever, the Lord God, the Great I AM, the One whose reign will never ever cease, there is no shadow of turning with Him, the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, the God who spoke and light was created, the One who formed man and woman, the One who could at His choice speak life.........................I have to trust Him, I may not understand Him or His ways but I know without Him I simply would not survive!

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Not alone after all

Thank you so much for the positive e-mails that I have had in recent days over the new blog and some of the things that you have all shared. I am sorry that I haven't had the time to reply to you all yet - I will but currently my inbox is fuller than the time I have to reply! We are going away for our wedding anniversary so things will be quiet for a few days on the blogs.

This last week or so I have found myself more and more tearful - it hasn't taken a lot to set me off! I have almost prayed that people wouldn't speak to me at Church just in case I would crumple! Crazy huh! But the e-mails that folks have sent in respect of the blog have been really encouraging and many of you have said that I seem to be sharing how you feel as well. We are not alone - although infertility, childlessness and miscarriage are all very personal and private situations that are close to the heart and the pain is so often only shared in a marriage or with trusted friends there is a degree where pain in the pathway can be shared. It helps to know that I am not alone on this pathway - there are others even reading this right now who feel drained, shattered and broken by the longing of a little one. The depth of anguish can sometimes just overwhelm and I know that at times my heart has felt ripped out, my core totally smashed and I can't seem to even cry - sometimes it feels like the pain will never ever be bearable - then a friend makes me laugh and somehow I pull myself together! It isn't easy I know - it hurts I know, the tears sometimes feel queued up ready for the call up and it doesn't take a lot to trigger them to flow................. but in the darkest hour, in those times when everything else seems to be falling apart I have to take a look up and to realise again that God knows, Jesus feels my pain and weakness and He sits on the throne being worshipped by the elders and the throng of Heaven and while this outstanding display of worship is going on around Him - He is sitting there interceding on my behalf - what an awesome thought!