The more I think about infertility and childlessness and miscarriage, the more I realise that for everyone that experiences it or walks this pathway there is much heartache. Most of the heartache, most of the tears are behind closed doors, are in those moments when the ad comes on the TV for nappies, pregnancy tests or those adverts asking for donations to stop child abuse and the most beautiful baby is on the TV, those images of children in a hurting world and all I want to do is to take every single child and give them a home! There are so many times when words don't work, they fail and tears flow.
One of my all time favourite quotes is that
One of my all time favourite quotes is that
'God will heal your broken heart if all the pieces are given to Him.'
I must confess that I still take my temperature every morning, hoping that this month we will spot the right time and that another miracle will happen. But I realise more and more that I am getting used to disappointment! My husband and I started trying for a baby a year after we were married it has been many years - let's see - it must be in the region of 140 disappointments since we got married - then there are those times when treatments have failed, perhaps those times when I was just plucking up courage to take a pregnancy test because I was a bit late - yes sometimes I feel like my life is characterised by disappointment - and then I realise something! My hope is in God! My hope is in a God who will not fail me, He knows the plans that He has for me (even if I find them tough to accept!), my hope is in a God who cannot be ousted from His throne, my hope is in a God who is not moody - He is the same yesterday, today and forever, my hope is in a God who IS love, not just a God that loves but IS love. Then I take a breathe and realise that my God is the same God who knows the name of every star, every constellation, every planet - and how does He know - becuase my God is the one who flung stars into space, He is the One who said 'Let there be light' and it was created, He is the God who spoke the World into existence, He is the God who owns a cattle on a thousand hills, who is an awesome God.
My hope is not in a fertility nurse specialist or a consultant, my hope is not in an adoption agency, my hope is not in myself, my hope is in God - firmly rooted in Him, when the enemy comes in and throws all kinds of things at me, I am going to remind Him where my hope is, when I feel overwhelmed with life, with despair, with the 'what ifs' then I am going to look to God and I am going to praise Him even when the tears fall, even when disappointment comes again, even when I feel like I can't go on - it won't be easy - but I am really challenged today to get my eyes off of myself, off of my situation, off of my dreams, off of me and to look to Him - to realise afresh that I do have an awesome God who is 'as worthy on my worst day as He is on my best day!'
I can't say it any better than that awesome song by Tim Hughes:-
2 comments:
That Tim Hughes song was so important to me as we both struggled with fertility issues. While I was waiting for a miracle I had to keep reminding myself that God's Kingdom was 'now and not yet'; that it is not yet fully realised which is why some are healed and some aren't. Sometimes it was of comfort, and at other times I let other things crowd in on my vision of God so lost sight of it.
It was not so much the comments on my body clock, or yet more friends annoucing their pregnancy that I found hard the most hard to deal with (although they were hard, but I sadly came to expect such comments from some people - and doesn't it make you realise the impact of what seemingly can be a throw away comment that you may make?!). But what I found really hard was when I would see parents mistreating and not showing enough love and respect to God's little bundles. I used to ask him 'why do they get to be parents and behave like that, in an ungrateful way, and we don't when we'd never imagine treating a child like that?'. Doubt will ever know the answers to such questions.
I really admire your desire to let people journey along with you through the pain and upset. I believe it will be of some comfort to those in the same situation and I pray that you too will be strengthened as you strengthen others in this way, whether you know you're doing it or not.
Hi lb
Thanks for your comment and encouragement!
I know exactly what you mean about some folks mistreating their kids - there have been times when I have been in tears because I think that people don't realise just how precious the gift they have. I can't go into details on such a public forum but recently this has been one that my husband and I have heard/seen on a near day-to-day experience. I don't get it because of the number of folks I am in contact with who would be loving and great parents and yet there are so many who treat the life entrusted to them with such little care and affection. It is hard and there are no easy answers but I pray that God would reveal a true Father heart to those children who don't know it here and now!
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